


Happier

by Irrelevantaverrageteen



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bang Chan & Han Jisung | Han & Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Cute Han Jisung | Han, Fluff, M/M, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, My heart hurt writing this, Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, Song: Happier (Ed Sheeran), Swearing, TW: Mentions of SH and Suicide attempt, TW: Panic Attacks, i love them both so much, song-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28031964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrelevantaverrageteen/pseuds/Irrelevantaverrageteen
Summary: Minho is trying to get over Jisung after they broke up, but is constantly being reminded of him and the days when they were happier. Now he's helpless and has to watch him fall in love with somebody new.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 28
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is my first fic, it may not be amazing but I just have had this idea for so long. I love this song and I love Minsung, so why not. It is angsty and makes me emotional even when I read over it, but I promise it gets slightly better. The ending is open for interpretation. I hate hurt Minho and Jisung but I had to do this hehe ^_^.

_"Walking down 29th and park, I saw you in another's arms. Only a month we've been apart, you look happier"_

Minho coughs lightly as he walks through the streets, the air is typical of the winter, it carries a cruel bite to it, all he wanted was his morning latte. He hates winter, it reminds him of all the things he used to enjoy when he wasn't so alone, now he spends the cold, harsh nights in an empty bed and wakes in the morning to drawn blinds and no coffee to greet him on his bed side table. He scans the area, taking in the surroundings, everything looks more dull this year, the crisp oranges and reds of the leaves he used to see on the ground, now just look feeble and like they're grasping onto life. He sees a couple with a young child, smiles wide and rosy cheeks, he should feel happy, he should be warm inside but instead he just feels empty, a bitter taste in his mouth.

He's nearing the cafe when he sees him, not just him. Them. He glances up briefly, doing a double take when he realises the scene in front of him. It's Jisung. And he's not alone. There's an unfairly attractive man, shoulder length blonde hair, long limbs and a blinding smile with an arm casually draped over his shoulder. They're laughing like the funniest thing in the world just took place in front of them, there's a light in Jisung's eyes that he hasn't seen in a while, the type that brings you warmth and gives you hope. He looks chubbier, his face more filled out since the last time Minho saw him a month ago, there's something more lively about him, the happiness in his expression, in his movements, radiates off of him and clearly seeps into the man accompanying him. Minho didn't recognise him to be Chan or Changbin, in fact amongst the plethora of friends Jisung has, Minho has never seen him, and it's not a face you could forget. For a moment Jisung's eyes catch his, his breathing stops as he sees the boy register that it's him, then quicker than it came, it's gone again.

Minho bows his head down and quickens his pace, there's an ugly feeling in his stomach and a prickling feeling in his eyes, 'he moves on quick' Minho thinks to himself, but discards the thought. Jisung deserves to move on, after everything Minho put him through. A tear threatens to fall as he thinks back to when that smile was just for him, when that laugh bubbled out of the boy whenever Minho's cats would climb on him. But now that's all for someone else.

\---

"Ah hyung Soonie is on top of me again she won't move, save me", the younger giggles, lay on Minho's bed in an oversized shirt as the cat clings to him, preventing him from moving. "Don't listen to him Soonie, he loves your cuddles" Minho coos as he lifts the cat off of the boys chest, placing it on the floor. "Hyung why would you say that now she thinks I don't like her!" The boy pouts as he buries his face in the junction between Minho's neck and shoulder, the elders arms wrapping around him. Minho chuckles, placing a kiss on his forehead, "yah you asked me to save you so I did you brat, be thankful of my kindness" Minho scoffs earning an eye roll from Jisung. "I made you coffee this morning, even when I can barely walk after last night, so don't talk to me about kindness" Jisung says while straddling the elders lap, hands coming to grip lightly at his waist. "Sorry baby, I just listened to what you wanted, and unless you want to be able to walk even less, I suggest you get off of me and go shower because I can still smell the sex on you and it's both turning me on and grossing me out" Minho says while placing light kisses on Jisung's exposed shoulder, the younger sighs loudly. "Okay okay you devil, I'm going, but I expect to be fed once I get out," Jisung groans while giving the elder a peck on the lips and dismounting the weirdly high bed.

Minho takes a moment to observe him, his thighs are on show covered in light bruises from the previous night, his body looks so tiny but so strong at the same time. He's humming an anime theme tune while collecting his toiletries from Minho's drawer, and Minho couldn't be more in love, never did he think they'd be here, two years in, basically living together in a domestic bliss. He's so lucky. As he's getting lost in his thoughts the younger looks at him, amused glint in his eye and his head cocked to the side "what are you gaping at mister?" He asks mockingly. "Hm, just my beautiful boyfriend, am I not allowed to admire art?" The elder says dramatically making the younger blush, a laugh rippling out of him at the elders comment. Warmth fills Minho's chest as he sees the glint in the younger's eyes before he turns around to go shower. He's gonna marry this boy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I mean it sucks, seeing the love of my life clearly happier with someone else"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly angsty, Minho is also a bit of a dick too but I hope you enjoy.

_“Saw you walk inside a bar_  
 _He said somethin' to make you laugh_  
 _I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours_  
 _Yeah, you look happier, you do”_  


“I can’t believe he’s already met someone new,” Minho sighs bringing his beer to his mouth. “I don’t think any of us can hyung, you never know though, it could just be a friend, he’s not mentioned anyone when we’ve hung out” Felix, one of Minho’s closest friends and fellow dancer says with a slightly hopefull voice. “Even if he has met someone new, we all know it won’t last, you were everything to him, he can’t just forget you like that,” Seungmin, another one of Minho’s closest friends says while patting his shoulder lightly. Both friends glance at the youngest, Jeongin, expectantly waiting for him to spit some reassuring words, instead the younger opts for patting Minho’s head holding a sympathetic look in his eyes.   
Minho can’t help but feel in despair, he’d finally been doing okay, well as okay as you can be when you’ve lost the person you were thinking building a life with, and seeing him with someone else was definitely something he wasn’t prepared for. Snapping back into reality, Minho casts a thankful smile to his friends, it can’t have been easy for them either. Before, they all used to hang out as a group, Minho and Jisung’s friends combined, they all became inseparable, but now Jisung and Minho have broken up, the group has been more divided, they still meet up however both Minho and Jisung are not there at the same time, it’s too soon. 

“No fucking way, hyung please don’t turn around!” Felix whisper shouts with pleading eyes, but the elders curiosity has got the best of him, he turns his head slightly to the direction of the door and feels his heart drop to his stomach. Jisung has just walked in with the same man from the other day draped around him. He looks beautiful, Minho thinks at least. He turns around quickly, unable to look at the sight, a lump forming in his throat. “Shit he’s seen us, should we let on? maybe he will introduce us?” Seungmin says again in a whisper, looking conflicted. “Guys you can talk to him around me you know, we are both adults” Minho chuckles a little dryly, he sees Felix give him a glance before beckoning Jisung over. “Hey guys I didn’t expect to see you here! This is hyunjin, he’s erm- a friend I guess,” Jisung hesitates as his eyes catch Minho’s a fleeting look of guilt crosses across his features. The new man, hyunjin, politely introduces himself, looking anxiously at Minho. ‘Ah he’ll have heard the stories’ Minho thinks to himself while offering a tight lipped smile.  
Once the pleasantries are over Jisung and Hyunjin leave to the bar, the latters arm gripping the younger’s waist once their backs are turned, Minho feels his stomach turn slightly at the sight, eyes narrowing. “Well that wasn’t awful, Hyunjin seems nice. Are you okay hyung?” Jeongin asks sympathetically after seeing Minho’s expression. Minho takes a large inhale “I mean, it sucks, seeing the love of my life clearly happier with someone else, taking him to the bar we used to always go to together. It doesn’t help that the new guy doesn’t seem to have a single fault either, but I guess I deserve it, I shouldn’t have taken him so for granted when I had him,” he says, chest feeling heavy. He feels the squeezes of his friends hands on his arms, “relationships are like that Hyung, you don’t always realise what you’ve got until it’s gone but it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel upset, even we are upset to see him with someone else, it was always you two and honestly it probably always will be,” Seungmin says wisely, sometimes Minho thinks he’s the eldest when he says shit like that. 

Minho takes another sip of his beer and glances at the bar, there they are, laughing boisterously again. They’re lightly smacking each other as they laugh and Jisung has that red hue to his cheeks, the one he gets when he’s laughing too much and is slightly tipsy. Minho can’t remember the last time he saw that. They look happy, Jisung’s smile reaches his eyes and the other man, Hyunjin, looks at him adoringly, hand coming up to stroke his cheek. It’s been a long time since Minho has seen the younger look so happy. The last time they were together at this bar is something he’d rather forget, it makes something acidic stir in his stomach. 

\---

“I just don’t understand why you couldn’t have just told me you wanted it to be just us,” Minho huffs angrily at the younger who’s sat inside the booth, looking hurt as their friends make their way to the bar. “Well I’m sorry I thought you would want to spend time together as just us when we haven’t done that in nearly a month!” Jisung says raising his voice slightly, Minho can’t tell whether the younger is on the verge of tears or trying to hold back from saying worse. Minho feels anger slowly bubble in his chest, in his head he thinks it’s not his fault he’s been busy, he’s working extra at the studio to make enough money to buy them an apartment together. “Jisung I’ve been working my ass off so I can give us the life we’ve wanted together, why can’t you just fucking communicate instead of expecting me to read your mind. You could’ve told me you wanted a date night, but you didn’t, so now it’s my fault I asked our friends to come along?” Minho almost shouts, irritation seeping into his words, he sees the younger look hurt for a second before standing up and slamming his hand on the table “And how the fuck do you expect me to communicate with someone who’s never there? Do you know I’ve probably had more conversations with the shop keeper around the corner than I’ve had with you this past month. I know you’re working hard, I’ve never asked you for anything, I’ve made you lunches, I’ve come to the dance studio all I’m asking for is one night where I can have you to myself, and you’re mad at me!?”

Out of the corner of his eyes Minho sees their friends standing by the table looking apprehensive, clearly having heard the conversation. He looks at the younger, seeing him on the brink of tears and his heart breaks a little “Look, Sungie, baby, I’m sorry okay I’m just stressed, I promise we can go out for a date soon, just tell me this stuff if you want me to know” Minho says trying to grab the younger’s hand only to have him pull away “I think I’m gonna go home, you clearly don’t understand what I’m saying and this isn’t a conversation I want to have right now. I’m not in the mood to be out anymore. I’m really sorry for giving a fuck Minho.” The younger says eerily calm before stepping out of the booth with his bag and coat. “Babe?” Minho questions just to have the younger ignore him, whispering something to Changbin. The latter reaches in his pockets and gives his keys to the younger, shrugging his shoulders slightly at Minho with an exhasberated look on his face as Jisung walks out of the entrance. Minho stands frozen and confused, his friends sharing the same expression. He sees Changbin curse under his breath “I’m gonna make sure he gets home safe, he probably just needs some time to calm down hyung, I’ll keep you updated.” Changbin says waving goodbye to everyone and turning to follow the younger. He’s fucked up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I know this was a bit of angst but it gets worse so prepare yourselves. Everyone say thanks to Changbin the Jisung protector. Please leave kudos :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung reaches out to Minho for the first time in what feels like forever and he can't help but let it trigger old memories.  
> TW: slight allusion to an eating disorder, but not graphic or detailed, just thought I'd put a trigger warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: slight allusion to an eating disorder, but not graphic or detailed, just thought I'd put a trigger warning.  
> So this is definitely one of the more emotional chapters. I've never felt this before so it may not be accurate but hopefully you guys enjoy.

_"Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody love you like I do. Promise that I will not take it personal baby, if you're moving on with someone new_ " 

Minho clatters his keys on the kitchen island as he gets home to the empty, silent apartment. He hates nights like this, when he's not busy working at the studio or meeting up with the other guys, because it gives him too much time to think, too much time to notice the loneliness, too much time to feel the dull aching in his chest. He's tried not to think about the other, seeing him so happy with somebody else makes the selfish part of Minho hurt, but the part that still loves the boy, the part that only wishes him happiness, is glad that the younger has found someone to make him laugh like his lungs will give out, someone that has clearly helped him to gain weight when he struggles so much with eating.

As Minho settles on the couch, the sound of the T.V being a background to his thoughts, he realises that there were so many things he never noticed, so many things he missed because he was too wrapped up in himself to care. How did he not see that Jisung hadn't been eating? How did he not see how unhappy he was? How did he not see that the light in Jisung's eyes whenever he looked at him slowly started to fade out ?He wipes his face as he feels a tear cascade down it, gulps hard to stop the lump in his throat becoming bigger. This is why he hates nights like this, he hates knowing that he deserved to lose Jisung, that this was his fault, there's nobody else to blame. He wishes he could be ignorant and pretend like he wasn't to blame, like it was all the younger's fault. But how can he? When beautiful, bright, innocent Jisung did everything and more to make him happy, Jisung who stayed with him for much longer than he deserved. A sob ripples through his chest as he thinks about the pain he out the other through, he feels Dori rub against him a questioning gaze in her round eyes. "Ah baby, daddy is just being dramatic," he laughs pathetically as he pets the cat. 

After letting himself cry he pulls out his phone, figuring he should check it as he hasn't all day. He has one new message notification, he blinks rapidly wiping his eyes when he sees who it is from,Jisung? Surely not, the younger blocked him the night they broke up. He clicks onto the notification with sweaty palms.   
  
**Sungie**

_Hi hyung, this is quite awkward and I don't_  
 _really know what to say haha. I guess I just_  
 _thought after seeing you twice this week that_  
 _maybe the world is trying to tell me to grow up_  
 _and message you. I just wanted to say that I know_  
 _it seems like I've moved on really quick, and I_  
 _understand that you might feel hurt or like I'm trying_  
 _to shove this new guy in your face, but I promise I'm not._  
 _You know how much I value you, that will never change_  
 _, I guess I just want to say I miss you, in every way._  
 _Hopefully we can be friends but it's fine if not. Yeah_  
**Read : 22:34**

Minho sits staring at the message, pinching himself just to make sure he's not dreaming. Even after everything Jisung is still reaching out to him, making sure he's okay. God. He must be the most stupid person in the world to have let someone like that go. He shakily begins to type out a message, begging his heart to stop beating so fast.   


_Hi wow, wasn't expecting that._  
 _I'm not mad or anything._  
 _I'd love to b friends again sung._   
**Read : 22:45**   
  
_Hyung stop blaming yourself,_  
 _we both could have tried more._  
 _I never resented you, I just need_  
 _ed time. That night was the hard_  
 _est thing I've ever had to go through_  
 _but it was right. You hurt me but ik_  
 _u were hurting too, okay?_  
**Read : 23:01**  


  
_Ur the best sung. I'm sorry tho_  
 _for the way I handled things._  
 _don't b a stranger yeah?_  
**Delivered**

  
That night. Also known as the worst of his life. The night he broke up with Jisung, not so gracefully. After everything he said, Jisung still forgives him. He wants to tell Jisung he misses him and he wants him back, so badly, but he knows how toxic that is. Jisung is finally himself again, happy again, Minho can't ruin that, no matter how much he wants the boy to himself. The things he would do to rewind the time, and make a different decision on that night... 

\--- 

  
The room was silent, you could hear a pin drop in Minho's apartment once the words left his mouth. The younger stared at him, broken, empty. "Y-you want to what?" Jisung whispers quietly sounding afraid of the answer, eyes looking glossy. "I said if you're so unhappy lets just break up Jisung. All you ever fucking do is talk about how unavailable I am, or how I'm never there, but guess what, you're still here. Why is that? If you're so upset then fucking leave because I can't do this anymore," Minho says with a sharp edge to his voice, unable to look the younger in the eye afraid of what he might see. "I'm still here because I love you more than life itself, because I don't want to imagine waking up without you next to me, I'm still here because I THOUGHT you wanted me to be, that you think we are worth fighting for, am I wrong?Huh hyung? AM I WRONG!" The younger belted, voice louder and more filled with venom than Minho had ever heard. Minho sits for a second, shaking, 'don't say it, what are you doing' his brain is screaming at himself, "we aren't Jisung. We aren't worth fighting for. This is tiring, and I don't want to do it anymore. I think it's best for both of us that this ends."

The words leave his mouth before he can even stop himself, he glances down and almost breaks at the sight of Jisung, tear stains on his face, more being created as fresh tears fall. Minho has never seen him look so frail, so breakable. "If you want my honest opinion hyung, I think the only person you think this is best for is yourself. Why the fuck did you do this to me!?What? you thought, let me date my best friend of 5 years for almost 3 fucking years, just to break him, just to up and leave as soon as shit gets tough, won't that be funny! Guess what hyung it's fucking hilarious, we are all laughing now!" Jisung spits viciously, tears running down his face, standing up and gathering his things, he faces Minho, looking him in the eyes. "I never thought the person who was supposed to love me the most, would end up hurting me more than anyone else ever has done. I also never thought the worst thing you would do would be to me. I love you, but I'm not going to beg you to stay with me, not after this. I've heard you loud and clear. Goodbye hyung," and with that the younger leaves.

Minho feels his body fall to the ground before he can even register what's happening. What the fuck has he done? A cry rips through his chest, his heart feeling like its about to burst open. The pain is immediate, not slow, not subtle, it's fast and hits him like a ton of bricks. He can't breathe, his body is curled in on itself, knees to his chest, he pants heavily trying to gasp for air. He thinks if there were any feeling similar to drowning it would be this, he so desperately needs air but he can't seem to find it, he's struggling, desperate to stop the pain. He screams, a long, blood curdling scream, it sounds so raw and full of pain, Minho's surprised he even had the energy to produce it. His insides are burning, he feels completely overwhelmed. He sits there, breathing heavily and shaking for what feels like an eternity until he hears the sound of keys in his door, footsteps and someone embracing him from the side. "Come on Minho hyunglets get you a nice warm bath okay? I'm gonna need you to breathe steady for me, can you do that hyung?" A voice that sounds similar to Felix's rings through his ears, he must have used the spare key. Minho supposes.

Minho seems to regain some sort of grasp on reality as he's sat in the bath, Felix massaging his hair. "I don't know what to do Felix. How can I do anything without him?" Minho sniffles, voice hoarse and tired. "It's okay hyung, you'll be okay. You have every single one of us by your side. It might take Changbin a little longer to come around but we understand. It needed to happen, neither of you were okay anymore," the freckled boy says reassuringly washing the suds out of Minho's hair. It's silent for a while until Minho speaks up, "how did you know?" He asks, "Channie hyung messaged me, we were meant to be going on a date but he said he had to cancel because Jisung had turned up on his doorstep looking as Chan said 'like death'" Felix says cautiously, trying not to make the elder feel worse than he already does. "Ah, sorry about your date," Minho means it but it comes out soulless, "right now hyung I'm more worried about you." The younger sighs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The text bit messed up but I didn't have the energy to fix it so let's pretend it worked :) also sorry ik Minho seems like such a dick in this chapter but I love the protector of the lesbians I promise.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho hangs out with the whole group for the first time since the break up. All he can do is watch Jisung and Hyunjin together as he sits silently, aching to hold the other in his arms. He doesn’t want to show how he really feels, only caring that Jisung is happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter kind of made my heart feel a lot of pain while writing it, purely because of the flashback. It’s not too angsty, it’s just very whistful, poor Minho :(

_ "Cause baby you look happier, you do, my friends told me one day I'll feel it too. And until then I'll smile to hide the truth, but I know I was happier with you."  _

Minho checks his reflection in the restaurant window, taking one last deep breath before entering. Normally he wouldn't be so nervous when spending time with the group however this time it's different. Both Jisung and Hyunjin will also be there, after finding out that Minho and Jisung had slightly reconciled with one another the group couldn't hold off on arranging for them all to go out for a meal together, like the old times before things became so hellishly awkward. 

Upon his entrance Minho sees 7 heads turn in his direction, he should've known he'd be the last one to arrive considering he is always late to everything, but he can't help the flush that raises on his neck at the attention, trying to pay no mind to one particular set of eyes. They all greet him, Hyunjin being the most awkward, offering Minho a stiff smile and avoiding eye contact, anyone would think he was scared of the elder. Minho, however, can only focus on Jisung; his hair floppy, he's got makeup on enhancing his already beautiful features, and his smile towards Minho is blinding. He can't help but hear the thumping of his heart at the sight, he's missed that. When he goes to take his seat in between Felix and Seungmin he belatedly realises he's directly facing Jisung and his beautiful new lover, he feels Felix's stare and shoots him a reassuring smile mouthing "it's okay," to the younger, to which he gets a smile and a nod of the head.

After they've all caught up with one another, Changbin still being slightly frosty towards him, the waitress approaches the table and asks them for their orders. Minho raises his gaze to see Jisung holding Hyunjin's hand, whispering something to the other and breaking out into a blinding smile. He hates it, he can't help it but the sight makes him feel sick. However he can't stop staring, seeing them smile like that, seeing them so affectionate with eachother, seeing Hyunjin touch him like that causes jealousy to rise, he knows he doesn't have the right to be jealous, the younger isn't his anymore. He can't help but think that should be him holding the younger's hand, not Hyunjin. He feels a tap on his thigh under the table and turns to Seungmin "she's waiting for your order hyung," he says, breaking the male out of his trance. He shakes his head quickly and blinks, seeing all eyes on him, Jisung looking like a deer in headlights, 'shit he definitely saw me staring' he thinks as he turns to the waitress with a smile giving her his order.

"I know it's hard hyung, but you have to move on, Jisung has done and you can't keep staring at him whenever he's with Hyunjin. You will meet someone too, if you open yourself up again, I promise," he feels Felix whisper into his ear, a comforting hand holding his, thumb grazing his palm slightly. "I know Lix, I know, I'm fine really. He's happy, and that's all I want. I swear I'm fine you don't all have to coddle me," he lies, ruffling the younger's hair, earning an angelic smile from the other.

"Is that both cola's with Ice?" The waitress asks to someone at the table, Minho isn’t sure who."Yes." He whips his head up in the direction of the voice to look at Hyunjin, who is apparently ordering for both him and Jisung. "No, can you make that one without ice actually." Shit. The words left his mouth before he even realised he was speaking, he's a creature of habit. He knows Jisung doesn't like ice in his drinks because of how diluted they become and he's just used to always ordering for the younger. The atmosphere suddenly turns incredibly awkward. He hears Jisung whisper a "yeah one without ice please," to the waitress as she leaves the table clearly sensing the tone. Once again all eyes are on him, Jeongin and Changbin looking slightly amused, the others looking scandalised, Jisung blushing and Hyunjin looking extremely uncomfortable. "Oh my fuck, I'm so sorry. If you guys don't mind I'm just gonna go get some fresh air," he says sending an apologetic smile towards Hyunjin, the other returning a sheepish one back, avoiding Jisung's stare at all costs.

  
He puts out his cigarette, breathing a warm breath into the cold night, the scene that just unfolded in front of him replaying in his head. He knew accepting the invitation was a bad idea, he thought maybe he would be ready to see Jisung with Hyunjin, that it would be okay to be around them, but he can't help the hurt that spreads throughout his body.

"You've started smoking again?" He breaks out of his thoughts at the question, doing a double take when he sees Jisung stood next to him, sending him a confused gaze. "Ah, yeah, just takes the edge off of things I guess," he laughs awkwardly, heart clenching at the younger's disappointed stare. A silence fills the night air, neither of the two knowing what to say. What do you say to the person who's heart you broke 'hey look, I'm sorry I crushed your heart but how's work been recently?' Minho can't help but cringe at the thought.

"Thanks for doing that before, the drink thing I mean. Hyunjin is still new to me, to us, you know? He's not going to take it personally so don't worry about that. Are you okay though, with this I mean?" Jisung speaks up, finally filling the painful silence. He turns to face the younger, soaking in his details, the puffiness of his cheeks, the slight slope of his nose, and his round eyes, the ones that lured Minho in and made him feel at home. He was so stupid to have lost him. After a few seconds of silence, he sighs "Well, are you happier?" The elder whispers into the air waiting for a response. He hears Jisung take a deep inhale. "Yeah I think I am. We were toxic in the end, neither of us were happy were we?" Jisung says cautiously, eyes gazing into his. Minho sniffles, god it hurt to hear him say it. It's not like he didn't already know how happy Jisung is now but to have it confirmed just stung. He tries not to let his expression show his real emotions, instead he forces a smile to form on his face. "As long as you're happier, then I'm fine. We should go back in now yeah?" He says, 'liar, liar, liar' is all he can hear his mind screaming at him. He doesn't care how painful it is as long as the younger doesn't feel guilty for being happy without him. He turns back towards the entrance of the restaurant, sparing the younger a glance to see him looking unconvinced, he just sends him a reassuring smile while nudging him, "really Sungie, I'm fine."He says deceptively. Although still seeming unsure, the younger smiles walking with the elder to the entrance.

On their way in Jisung starts mumbling nonsense to him in the same annoying way as he used to, but all Minho can focus on is the dull aching in his chest at the familiar feeling of it all.

\---

Minho feels the light breeze drifting through the summer night as he puffs on his cigarette, he’s stood outside the restaurant where they’re all eating to celebrate Jisung’s birthday. This time last year he and Jisung were still a mess of hidden feelings, he remembers his present to the younger that year. It was a bracelet with a padlock, to which he had the same bracelet but with a key, thinking about it now makes him laugh, they were so painfully oblivious. 

He feels a pair of arms slip around his waist and a face tuck into the crook of his neck, he doesn’t have to turn around to know who it is.

“You okay baby?” He murmurs adoringly to the younger, to which he receives a pout and the younger nodding his head towards the cigarette in Minho’s hand. Ah, right. He puts the cigarette out knowing Jisung doesn’t like when he smokes, it makes him worry for his health. “You didn’t have to put it out, I don’t want to seem controlling hyung, if you want to smoke you can,” the younger mumbles cutely into his shoulder, arms squeezing him tighter, the elder just smiles. “It’s okay I know you just don’t want what happened to your dad to happen to me, I understand babe,” he says turning around to kiss the youngers pout off of his face. Jisung’s smiling at him now, eyes sparkling with a mischievous glint. “I know I said I could wait until we get back to your apartment but I reallllyyyyy want to see my present hyung, pretty please?” And how can he say no to that face, those pretty eyes, he’s only human. “Fine you impatient brat, and here I thought you wanted to keep me company,” Minho huffs receiving a grumpy face and a “hyung!” from Jisung. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a small neatly wrapped box, his heart racing knowing the younger is finally going to see the present Minho has tried so desperately hard to keep a secret. “You 100% asked Seungminnie to wrap this for you didn’t you babe,” Jisung says knowingly, excitedly opening the present. Minho just nods, watching expectantly as the younger opens up the box to reveal a small silver ring, there’s a subtle engraving of L.M+H.J 09/10/17 on the interior of the ring, the 10th of September 2017 being the date he and Jisung became a couple. 

He looks up to see the younger’s eyes welling up.

“This better not be a proposal I’m only the tender age of 19 Hyung,” the younger teases placing the ring on his finger. “Very funny. It’s a promise ring, I promise you that I’ll be here, forever. I love you and I want you to know that I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me, I have one to match too.” He says cupping the younger’s face, wiping the tears with his thumb. Jisung sniffles, smiling widely. “Thankyou so much hyung. I know how much you hate to be so romantic but you still do this because you know how much I love it, I’m so so lucky to have you. This has been my best birthday ever. I love you” The younger says kissing Minho lightly. Minho thinks his heart might burst at the sight of Jisung like this, smile wider than ever, eyes gleaming as he looks up at him. Never did he think he would be so lucky to have Jisung as not only his best friend but as his lover, words cannot explain how much better his life is, the dull greys of the world now bursting with colour.

After standing basking in one another’s presence, cuddling for an excruciatingly long time, sharing kisses and exchanging sweet words Minho takes the younger’s hand and they head back in towards the restaurant.

On their way in Jisung starts mumbling nonsense to him in the same annoying way as always, but all Minho can focus on is the happiness he feels seeping into his bones, thinking about how lucky he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah the feels of this chapter really made me emotional. Be prepared for ANGST in the next two chapters :)))


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: ALLUSION TO PANIC ATTACKS  
> Minho goes to Jisung’s apartment for the first time since the breakup, memories flooding his mind as he watches everyone enjoying themselves, as he watches Jisung with his new lover. Maybe he isn’t as happy as he thought he beginning to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:ALLUSION TO PANIC ATTACKS  
> Okay so this paragraph and the next one are really just ANGST. The flashback’s are really fluffy but they just make the angst hurt even more. I myself suffer with panic attacks and I understand that sometimes descriptions of them can be triggering so I thought I’d include a slight trigger warning for those who may need it :)

_ "Sat in the corner of the room, e_ _verything's reminding me of you. _ _ Nursing an empty bottle, a_ _nd telling myself you're happier, aren't you?" _

His heart stops as he reaches the door which he once was familiar with, not used to wanting to run as far away as possible from it rather than let himself in with the spare key he once owned. Now, he's stood outside of Jisung's apartment, the location of the latest group gathering, his palms are unreasonably sweaty, he has a slight numbness throughout his body from the alcohol he forced down himself in order to make tonight somewhat bearable. He hasn't been to this apartment in what feels like forever, he's sure every trace he left of himself has been erased and most likely replaced with Hyunjin's touch, his heart clenches at the thought. Breathing deep he rasps on the door twice, waiting, panicking. The click of the door pulls him back into the present, he expects to see Jisung or maybe another one of the group, what he doesn't expect to see is Hyunjin and Jisung, entwined in each other, smiles wide answering the door looking incredibly domestic, 'what couple answers doors together for fuck sake' he thinks to himself jaw clenching, heart aching. "Hey hyung, come on in, the party's already started and you're late, as usual," Jisung giggles clearly very tipsy, he's undeniably cute, Minho sees Hyunjin looking at him like he's hung the stars muttering a quick apology for Jisung's tipsiness. Minho just shakes his head offering a forced smile as he enters, being greeted cheerfully by the rest of the group.

He's been sat persistently picking at the corner of the label on the bottle for an eternity when he feels a presence join him.

"You don't want to dance?" He turns his head to the voice and sees Changbin, surprisingly. They've not really spoken to each other since his and Jisung's break up, Changbin avoiding him at every group outing as if he were the plague. In some ways Minho thinks he his the plague, his sadness and self pity seems to ooze into the atmosphere wherever he goes, contagious to those around him. "Not really Bin, you go have fun," he responds a ghost of a smile on his features. He sees Changbin frown slightly and feels him squeeze his hand. "I really miss the old Minho, I remember when you would sexy dance with anyone and anything the moment you had a drop of alcohol in your system. I hope you find that Minho again soon, we all miss him, especially Jisung." And with that Changbin is off to dance with the others, leaving a bitter taste in Minho's mouth. He can't help the anger that crawls up his body, he doesn't want to be like this, he misses the old Minho too, but that Minho never had to exist without Jisung and this one does. Of course they're not going to be the same. Of course this version of himself is going to be miserable.

He takes a sip of the vodka he's been nursing in his hands, he's sat in the corner on the couch watching silently as everyone dances. How's it possible to be in a room full of people but feel so alone, so unwanted, he wonders. Tracing his eyes over the apartment he sees a vacant space on the wall, the space where Jisung used to stick all of their pictures, all of their movie tickets, all of their memories, now all that remains is the remnants of a love that burned out. He takes another sip of vodka. His eyes skim over to the kitchen and sees an empty shelf where his mugs used to belong, now they're probably in the trash somewhere, shattered, broken beyond repair, it's quite poetic Minho thinks, how their relationship ended up like his mugs did. He lifts the bottle to his lips once again. Slowly he drags his eyes to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the apartment, stopping when they catch sight of Jisung, he looks the most beautiful when he's enjoying himself, Minho has always thought that. He watches as Hyunjin's hands drag down Jisung's sides, mouthing the lyrics to an overplayed pop song together, his heart lurches, aches, longs to be the one touching Jisung, holding Jisung and breathing in his trademark vanilla scented perfume. But he's not. Instead he's sat alone in the corner watching someone else be everything Jisung needs. He hears the music thrumming in his ears as his body goes numb and his arms start shaking, the familiar thumping of his heart picking up pace and hammering rapidly, breath faultering,the familiar signs coming unwelcomed. Without a word he rushes to the bathroom, still knowing the layout of the apartment like the back of his hand. He thinks he sees Felix shoot him a concerned glance but pays it no mind.

It's been about 10 minutes he thinks, his breathing more regular now, body still feeling slightly numb, there's a wetness on his cheeks from the tears he unwillingly shed. He's sat crouched in the bath tub, knees tucked into his chest, arms curled around himself. He made sure to lock the door, he doesn't want the others to know about this, he's not really sure what  this is but it happens regularly whenever he thinks too much. He lets out a tired exhale, he'd been doing so well this past month since reconnecting with Jisung. The younger, although lurking in the dark corners of his mind, hadn't managed to occupy his thoughts completely within the past couple of weeks, he finally thought he was happier. He thought that maybe he was starting to understand why they had broken up in the first place. He'd seen Hyunjin and Jisung together plenty of times and although it still hurt, the pain became more subtle, it thawed at his heart less than before. However tonight, for some reason, that same familiar acquaintance called pain clawed at his mind, consuming him completely. Maybe this so called happiness was a fleeting friend, someone that he'd met for a brief moment, maybe it's because he doesn't deserve to be happy. Maybe this sadness will just manifest itself into his daily routine, so much so that it becomes unrecognisable. Maybe this is the real Minho, the Minho that exists without Jisung. Alone and crouched in a bath tub trying to convince himself he's okay, trying to stop himself from falling apart.

\---

He's crouched in the bath tub of Jisung's apartment as his boyfriend massages the dye into his hair, after having a brief period of orange he started developing separation anxiety from his natural chocolate coloured hair so decided to switch back.

"Hyung I'm going to miss the orange," he hears the younger say while squeezing more of the dye onto his scalp. "Why? Will I not be handsome to you anymore? That really hurts sung," Minho says with a teasing tone, an exaggerated pout on his face. Above him the younger chuckles, tugging at his hair slightly. "Shut up, you know how hot I find you," Jisung huffs out while Minho feels him going over any spots he's missed on his head. He tilts his head back slightly pursing his lips at Jisung, "prove it then," he taunts making loud kissing sounds, he sees the younger laugh and tilt his head down, lips meeting his in a brief kiss. When they part, Minho observes the younger's expression, grin wide and eyes crinkled a slight blush on his cheeks, Minho thinks he will never get sick of this sight, Jisung's happiness transferring to himself, smiling wide before he even realises.  "Ah hyung stop staring at me you pervert," and like that the moment is broken, both breaking out into laughter, Minho lightly smacks the younger's legs which are caging either side of his shoulders as he finishes with dyeing his hair. The sound of Jisung's laughter makes his heart buzz, this type is his favourite, the loud, chesty and genuine laugh that bubbles out of him before he has the chance to stop it.

He hears the alarm ring through the air, breaking their quite heated make out session, Jisung perched on the bathroom counter, Minho stood between his legs. His hands are squeezing the younger's thighs and he feels the hands on his back slip sways as Jisung jumps slightly, a surprised noise slipping from his mouth. He can't help but feel slightly frustrated at the intrusion of the alarm.  
  
"Okay mister Lee, it's time to wash this dye out," he steps back to allow Jisung to slide from the counter, following him to the bath and leaning his head over waiting for it to be washed. "Don't kill me if its cold at first," he hears the younger warn him, gloved hands carding lightly through his hair as the jets of water begin to spray onto his scalp. "Ah shit why's that so cold, did you not pay your heating bill or something babe," he complains as the icy water drips through his hair, Jisung smacks him lightly murmuring a "very funny" making him laugh slightly. The hands in his hair stop and he hears some shuffling as a song begins to play, although his ears are slightly blocked by the heavy and dripping hair, blood rushing to his head slightly due to the angle, he can still register the familiar tune of Troye Sivan's 'dance to this' in the background. Jisung, for some reason labels this as 'their song' ever since the night they danced in the kitchen to it (ironic he knows) while baking some very questionable tasting cookies. He closes his eyes as Jisung continues his ministrations of washing out the dye, hearing the younger sing quietly along, never tiring of hearing his beautiful voice. Minho doesn't think he could be more in love than he is in this moment, although he treasures days like their first date, anniversaries and Valentine's Day, it's the more small, possibly some would consider insignificant, days that he treasures the most. The days that start off the same, nothing particularly special about them until Jisung shows up and they make the most precious memories, here inside Jisung's humble apartment, squeezed into the bathroom, listening to a song they once danced to. Minho doesn't think he's ever been happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PREPARE FOR PAIN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER HEHE


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: DEPICTION OF SH AND DISCUSSION OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.  
> It hurts, everything hurts. He feels gross and dirty having touched someone else’s skin the way he used to touch Jisung’s. To be marked the way Jisung used to leave marks on him. It’s wrong. It all feels wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: DEPICTION OF SH AND IMPLICATION OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE 
> 
> okay so this chapter is by far the most painful in every way. It was actually very hard for me to write as it’s quite personal but I hope you guys enjoy it. I’m really sorry lmaooo
> 
> If you ever need anyone to talk to or any help please feel free to dm me on Instagram @irrelevantaverrageteen, I’ll always listen :)

_"Oh ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody need you like I do. I know that there's others that deserve you, but my darlin I am still in love with you."_

Minho feels the body roll off of him, feels the substance on his stomach be wiped off, feels the hand stroke through his hair slightly and then he feels the tear roll slowly down his cheek. Vaguely he senses movement from the body next to him as the stranger he doesn't remember the name of dresses himself, while all he can do is think about how that person isn't Jisung. He registers a long exhale from the man as he turns towards where Minho is lay motionless on the bed. 

"Look I know I'm just a mindless fuck that you met on Grindr, but I really hope you find your way back to whoever has you so messed up. I've been there before and it's not fun." Minho hears the long pause and remains unresponsive as the stranger decides his next sentence. "Look, just take my advice when I tell you that sleeping with other people and trying to imagine it's them isn't going to help, okay? You were great and I wish you the best, I really do. I'll show myself out." He offers the stranger a half hearted smile as they turn to leave him alone in his empty, lifeless bedroom. The sheets are crumpled around him as he lays exposed, unable to find the energy to move , he sees the used condom discarded on the floor and feels his breath rattle in his chest. The first person he's slept with since Jisung was some guy he met on Grindr, some guy with a small waist, round cheeks and sparkling eyes; some guy that's as close of a resemblance to Jisung that he could find. He thought that maybe if they looked like him, they'd feel like him too, but he was wrong. All he feels is sick and dirty. He wants to cry but instead he lies there silent, unable to feel anything but regret. Sluggishly he reaches for a cigarette and his lighter, too lazy to move from his position. Jisung would kill him if he could see him right now, but he can't, there's no Jisung to take his cigarette and give him a pointed gaze, instead he's surrounded by silence and an absent space in his bed.

As he reaches the end of his cigarette he realises there's nowhere to put it out, he'd been too far in his thoughts to realise the ashes had been falling onto his stomach. He presses his fingers into the ash, moving it gently around his stomach, letting his eyes roam around his own body he notices slightly purple spots on his chest that the stranger had left. They're not as pretty as the ones Jisung used to leave but maybe he's just biased. He laughs bitterly knowing that Hyunjin is the person with those marks now. When his eyes reach his legs he notices the faint scars on his thigh that had been left there many years ago, when he was a teenager. He remembers how confused, lost and hopeless he felt back then, and then he'd met Jisung. The moment they became friends was the moment in which everything changed for him, suddenly he felt like he belonged somewhere, he had hope, clarity, and now it's all become full circle. 5, nearly 6 years later here he is lay in his bed, confused, lost and hopeless. He becomes aware of the still burning cigarette butt in between his fingers, exhaling deeply he gazes back to the marks on his thigh, suddenly becoming overwhelmed with the need to feel something, anything other than this complete emptiness. He slowly presses the butt into his thigh, the sharp burn making him gasp, making his blood rush. He re-lights the butt and presses it into his leg again, broken sobs leaving his mouth as he finally is feeling something other than numb as he sees the small red marks start to form. In Minho's mind he thinks feeling pain is better than feeling absolutely nothing at all . 

A while later, his thigh scattered in small red circles, ash still smudged across his stomach, he reaches to put some pants on, his thigh stinging where his boxers press on the new marks. He trudges to his bathroom while checking his phone to see nothing other than a message from Felix saying 'I'm free tonight so call me if you want to do anything' feeling guilty that he didn't reply. When he reaches the bathroom he begins to wipe his stomach. He looks in the mirror and gasps to see the blooming marks on his collar bone and chest, he harshly scrubs the towel over them trying to remove them, they feel wrong, they don't belong there. As he's scrubbing helplessly his tears start to fall, pained whimpers leaving his mouth, the person in the reflection looking broken and desperate is unrecognisable to the person he used to see staring back at him. He thinks he deserves to be broken though, he hurt Jisung and now he needs him more than ever. He needs him to grab his hands and whisper in his ear that everything is okay. However all that meets him is the sound of his cries, his feeble image in the mirror as his legs buckle and he slumps onto the floor. Reaching for his phone that fell with him he hovers his finger over Jisung's contact, hands shaking violently. As he's about to press the contact something in his mind stops him, maybe his conscience knowing that if he dials Jisung at 2 am telling him he's still in love with him he's being unfair, knowing that Jisung is with someone who deserves him more than Minho does, knowing that Jisung doesn't need him like Minho needs Jisung. His tears drop onto his phone, body shaking as he presses Felix's contact, ringing him. 

"Hey hyung what's up?" The other answers sounding concerned, figures considering its 2 am and Minho never calls him. Minho feels his breath hitch slightly, throat dry from the crying he's been doing all night. "L-lixie, I'm still in love with him," he croaks pathetically into the phone, a pained cry following. He hears a sharp inhale from the other end, and some fumbling. "Don't go anywhere hyung and please don't do anything okay? I'm on my way, you're gonna be okay I just need you to focus on your breathing for me. Can you do that for me until I get there?" He attempts to whimper out a yes through his panicking, the line going dead.

Minho isn’t sure when exactly Felix got here, his mind completely disassociated from everything around him, but he feels the gentle squeezes from the boy wrapped around him, tears still falling from his eyes, shoulders shaking aggressively. He hears Felix asking him questions but can’t make out exactly what’s being said, his heartbeat drumming in his ears making it difficult to distinguish words. 

“Hyung I’m just going to rub some aloe Vera onto your chest, it looks really sore. Are you okay with me touching you there?” Felix asks carefully, eyes gazing into Minho’s empty ones, unable to utter a response he just nods, slowly coming back to reality. The cold sting on his chests causes him to react, finally he’s responding to what’s around him, he doesn’t really remember what happened before or how long he was trapped in his mind for but all he can see is Felix, the boy carefully crouched in between his legs, practically face to face as he gently rubs the gel into Minho’s sore chest. 

“Sorry, didn’t think it would be that cold.” The younger giggles gazing at him through his lashes, suddenly he feels the urge for more, for Felix to be closer to him, he’s not had someone care for him like this in months and he can’t help it when he leans forward placing his lips onto Felix’s, hands gripping his jacket. Felix doesn’t respond, he doesn’t push him away but he doesn’t feel him kissing back either. Suddenly, like waves crashing against rocks on a shoreline he realises what he’s doing. He’s kissing Felix. Felix who has a boyfriend. Felix whose boyfriend is one of his closest friends. Felix who has been his best friend for years. Like he’s been shocked by electric he jerks back, mumbling apologies as brand new tears start falling, his mind becoming overwhelmed with how much Felix is probably going to hate him for what he’s just done, he might even run out of the apartment and leave Minho alone again. He might tell Chan, who will tell the others and nobody will want to be around him anymore. But that isn’t what happens, instead Minho feels arms wrap around him, hands stroking his head as ‘shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. I understand,’ is constantly whispered into his ears. Minho chokes up, “I just miss him, I miss him so fucking much and I’m so tired of acting like I’m fine. I need him Lix, I’m so in love with him.” He sobs into the firm body holding him, letting himself break down completely, the scene feeling all too familiar. “I know baby, I know. It’s gonna be okay, I promise. There was a happy you that existed before you met Jisung and there’s going to be a happy you that can exist after Jisung. Trust me.” And with that Minho let’s out a loud, scream like cry. He may have been somewhat happy once without Jisung, but the only happiness he can remember was with the younger. The day he met him still clear as day. He feels his body convulse, shaking even more than before into felix’s arms.

—- 

Minho stares emptily into the pitch black, silent night, 12 am not being a prime time for small town life. Some street lights are causing a glow around him as he’s sat on the edge of the bridge, legs dangling carefully off of it, shoes discarded next to him. He’s not sure how he got to this point, somewhere along the way he lost his motivation, lost his happiness, lost himself. He’s alone. So very alone. His parents don’t understand him, nobody wants to be friends with him since they saw him kissing a boy in an empty classroom, rumours spread around like wild fire. Nasty comments and posts made about him daily. So he’s decided no more. No more eating lunch alone, no more being called names and having bible passages thrown at him. No, it ends now. He takes a deep breath as the slow breeze drifts by, the odd car in the distance making noise, he shuffles slightly seeing the murky, fast, water beneath the bridge flowing harshly. As he’s preparing to push off, taking in the last view he will see he hears movement behind him, the sound of a skateboard on a bumpy pavement coming to a halt.

“Don’t do it. Please I know I don’t know your story but just don’t jump.” Shocked he turns to see a boy, an undeniably pretty boy with puffy cheeks, a slender figure and concerned eyes staring at him, skateboard in hand and a beanie hiding his hair. “Please just go, I don’t need an audience.” He bites back harshly, feeling annoyed, why can’t he just die in peace?

“I really can’t do that, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Can I come sit up there with you?” He hears the boy ask carefully, he thinks for a moment and nods slightly. 

Minho isn’t sure how long he’s been sat there in silence, the angelic boy next to him explaining why he’s out skateboarding alone at 12 am. “So my dad’s basically dying and this just gets me away from it all I guess.” Is the boys closing line, causing Minho to whip his head in the direction of the other, reaching his hand to gently pat the one resting beside him. “I’m really sorry about that.” He whispers into the chilling air, instead of looking sad the boy shoots him a smile and turns his palm, linking their fingers together. He doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t push Minho for an explanation as to why he was about to jump into the water, he just sits patiently and waits. 

“I’m gay.” Minho chokes out, words leaving his mouth for the first time in his life, he expects the hand to leave his and for the other to run away after shouting some slurs at him, instead he’s met with sparkling eyes and a kind smile. “That’s okay. I’m not sure who’s told you it isn’t, but they’re wrong. I don’t know what I am but I think boxing people into categories for who they like is so old school, it really isn’t important. What’s important is how you treat people. Right?” And that’s when he genuinely smiles for the first time in months, the only person making him feel like being himself is okay is some random stranger who skateboards at 12 am to escape his own life. For the first time in a while Minho feels like he trusts someone, so he sits there and explains in detail exactly what’s led him to this point. He hears the boy beside him sigh heavily. “I’m sorry you’ve been through that. But we are friends now, right? I’ll introduce you to my friends, they’re the best. Some of them are like you too.” The boy says excitedly, squeezing his hand. The warmth that fills Minho’s cold body is something he has never felt, the feeling of comfort when he’s been hiding for so long. He giggles lightly at the younger’s face. “My names Minho, figure you might need to know for when you introduce me to your friends.” He replies hopefully, questioning gaze casted to the other. “Nice to meet you Minho, I’m Jisung. Would’ve been awkward introducing you as the boy I met while he was trying to jump off a bridge as I was skating alone to avoid my dad’s impending death huh?” He hears the younger joke, and he shouldn’t laugh really, because in reality it’s not funny. However he feels the laughter erupt from his chest, both of them glancing at each other giggling, and the boy, Jisung, looks so beautiful. Eyes bright and skin glowing under the glint of the orange hue from the street lights. And Minho, well he feels safe. He feels happy. He doesn’t feel so alone as they sit there, two lost souls on the edge of a bridge staring into the empty night. He needed someone, and now he has someone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys this week has been a k-pop whirlwind, originally this wasn’t meant to be so sad but I really got into my feelings after finding out about GOT7 leaving JYPE, they were my first ever comfort group and ULT group and I know they are still going to sometimes promote together but it just won’t be the same. I’m still happy for them though :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho thinks he’s convincing everyone that he’s fine, but for some reason Seo Changbin wants to be the bane of his existence. Seo Changbin provides him with information that gives him empty hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys this is the second to last chapter oh my god. This is really just fluffy kinda, I think my heart can’t handle more angst after the last two chapters. Enjoy!

_ “But I guess you look happier, you do, _ _ my friends told me one day I’ll feel it too. _ _ I could try to smile to hide the truth, b _ _ ut I know I was happier with you” _

Minho laughs along quietly as he watches Chan miss yet another set of pins. Since his breakdown a few weeks ago he’s avoided being near Jisung, until he couldn’t possibly turn down anymore invitations to the group night outs. Bowling is the pick of the week, considering Chan suggested it, he’s doing quite poorly if Minho must say so himself. He’s missed this. He’s missed laughing along as the group poke fun at the chosen victim of the night, he’s missed watching Chan and Felix in their own little world, he’s missed Changbin getting angry at Seungmin’s teasing, but most of all he’s missed Jisung. He’s missed seeing Jisung laugh with his whole chest, throwing his body forward, usually onto Hyunjin’s lap, the latter just allowing it. 

After thinking about his situation, Minho had decided he has one of two choices; he either cuts Jisung off completely or he accepts that he’s happier and act like he is too, or at least try to be- although he knows it’s not possible-. His mouth is feeling dry, throat becoming tighter as his mind drifts into its gallery of memories with Jisung, he brings his cup to his mouth only torealise it’s empty. 

“Anyone want another round of drinks?” He asks to the group currently moaning at Jeongin who just got a strike. Everyone turns and nods at him muttering thank yous as Seungmin takes his turn. “I’ll come help you with them.” He freezes hearing Jisung’s voice directed towards him, he turns nodding slightly picking up his pace as he walks to the drinks bar, the other in tow. 

They’ve been waiting for their drinks in silence for what feels like an eternity until Jisung speaks up.

“Hyung,do remember when we used to come here and you always used to get in a mood with me when I won,” Jisung says turning to him slightly, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Minho’s breath stutters slightly, heart beat speeding up. He gathers his emotions and snaps out of his daze, putting on a poker face.“Ya! I absolutely did not, you would always cheat and reset my score, that’s why I was angry!” He huffs out, watching as Jisung gasps in faux horror. “Now that’s uncalled for! Just say you’re a sore loser and go,” the younger says to him sounding scandalised at Minho’s implication. causing them both to laugh. Jisung’s hand lightly gripping his sleeve. He can’t help the aching that settles in his mind, realising that nothing is the same anymore. “At least I still tried to win you a stuffy from the claw machine to apologise,” he mutters quietly, sneaking a glance at the younger who’s looking at him with the same eyes that made him vulnerable. “Yeah you always knew exactly what to do didn’t you.” He looks at the younger who’s staring at him, a small smile etched on his face matched with sad eyes, the atmosphere turning slightly sour. “Order number 4!” The worker shouts, filling the gaping silence that had taken over, each of them grabbing a tray of drinks. 

Minho watches as Jisung kisses Hyunjin, the boy making his first strike of the night. Dread fills his gut at the sight, but he just laughs along like the rest of them. He sees Hyunjin look towards Jeongin, the younger for some reason looking sad. Weird. 

“You’re not convincing me you know,” he startles at the voice as Changbin appears? beside him. “Fucking christ Bin do you always just show up out of nowhere?” He huffs smacking the other lightly on the shoulder, scolding him. Trying to avoid the words just spoken to him. “Don’t change the subject. Why are you pretending to be happy?” And damn. If only he knew the answer to that. Instead of responding he stays silent ignoring the other. “You know he told me you’ve started smoking again? Doesn’t shut up about how worried he is.” He feels his heart shatter at Changbin’s word, eyes still trained on Jisung and Hyunjin, both of them laughing along at Chan’s failure. “Look Bin, what do you expect me to say? Tell him I’m miserable and want him back? I’d rather let him think I’m happy so he can be too. ” He whispers, voice cracking slightly, Changbin staring at him sympathetically. “You think he’s happier don’t you? How can he be happier with someone who clearly wants someone else? Don’t tell me you haven’t caught Hyunjin looking at Jeongin, laughing too hard at his jokes, eyes lingering on him a bit too long,” Changbin scoffs scathingly. It’s not like Minho hasn’t noticed, he’s just paid it no mind, he wants Jisung to be with someone he deserves, his stomach twists violently at the comment. “Bin drop it okay? You know why I haven’t told Jisung why I’m still in love with him? It’s because I know he would drop everything to be with me again. He would sacrifice his happiness now for the sake of mine and I’m not going to let him do that. Not again. Not after everything,” he faces the other, a tear threatening to fall. He feels Changbin’s hand wrap around his thigh squeezing it lightly. “You’re too selfless for your own good. He’s never going to love someone the way he does you. When are you going to realise that he’s just trying to get by without you. You both have different ways of trying to convince yourselves and everyone else you’re happier, but you’re just as bad as eachother.” He feels Changbin wipe the tear from his cheek, offering him a small smile as he walks to take his turn, Jisung gazing at him confused? Concerned? He doesn’t know but for now he will sit and act like everything is fine, like he always does. Instead he will think about when it was only him and Jisung that existed in each other’s worlds, the centre of each other’s universe.

\- - - 

“Sung why is my score back at zero, what the fuck!?” He turns to see the younger muffling a laugh behind his hands, he looks cute, extremely cute. The faux innocence isn’t fooling Minho though, he’s seen this act all before, Jisung getting too competitive and changing things to work in his favour. Well, two can play at that game. “I don’t know hyung, it must’ve been an error in the system,” Jisung yaps trying to sound as bewildered as possible. Minho already knows he’s lying, obviously. The scrunchy pout and raised eyebrows are the tell tale sign, Minho has noticed this ever since they met; whenever Jisung was lying or ‘exaggerating the truth’ as Jisung calls it, he would always make the same facial expression and -call him whipped-Minho has watched the boy enough to realise that much like every other time he’s seen this facial expression, Jisung is lying. “I don’t want to play anymore then, let’s just go back home if there’s a fault,” he says sternly, trying to sound as annoyed as possible, he isn’t of course. He just wants to give Jisung a taste of his own medicine. “No no, I’m sorry Min! You were just being so annoying, all high and mighty with your three strikes. I didn’t mean to annoy you.” Worry is etched onto the younger’s features as he pleads with Minho, and he very nearly breaks but he doesn’t think Jisung has suffered just enough yet. He gathers his things and starts walking away. He stops however when he doesn’t hear Jisung’s footsteps trailing behind him, turning around he sees the latter crouched on the bench, head hanging down, twiddling with his thumbs. Suddenly the desire to pay Jisung back for his antics washes out of his body and turns into guilt as he sees the other looking like a scolded puppy.

“Sungie baby I was only joking, I’m not mad,”he shouts in the direction of Jisung, whose frown quickly turns to an angry pout, and Minho knows he shouldn’t find it endearing when the younger is very clearly mad, but he can’t help it.His enjoyment soon turns to concern as instead of Jisung walking up to him, he walks- more like stomps- past him mumbling an ‘it wasn’t funny’ on his way. Ah, once again he’s gonna have to burn a hole in his pocket to fix this situation. 

“Almost there, okay, okay. HA. Got you now. Sung look I got it, will you stop pouting like a baby now?” He questions with a fond gaze handing the pastel whale plushie to his slightly more happy boyfriend stood next to him.“Hmm, one more thing.” Suddenly Minho is engulfed by Jisung, his legs wrapping around his waist and arms around his neck as small kisses are pressed onto his lips. His heart feels like it’s about to burst as he squeezes the younger harder hearing his content little noises. After a brief minute he drops Jisung back down, figuring the angry looking men at the bar weren’t appreciating the little show.

“Hyung do you think our babies will want one too?” Jisung questions, turning to insert yet another one of Minho’s precious coins into the machine. He feels a weird swooping in his stomach at Jisung calling HIS cats theirs. He knows it’s nothing, just a turn of phrase but Minho convinces himself it’s some form of confirmation, hope that Jisung won’t leave, he’s just as invested in Minho’s life and Minho is in his. He wraps his arms around Jisung’s waist, hooking his chin over the younger’s shoulder, observing him as he makes noises of frustration missing the plushie for the third time. He wishes time could just freeze so they can stay here in this moment, just each other in their own world. Wrapped up in the possibilities the future holds for them in their little universe, along with their babies too of course. Minho couldn’t be happier. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of things left unsaid, but silent promises are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg the last chapter!! I honestly can’t believe it. The ending really is open for any interpretation, don’t hate me :) any situation depicted is purely fiction please do not project onto the idols mentioned lmao. Thankyou!!

“ _Baby you look happier, you do,_ _ I knew one day you'd fall for someone new.  _ _ But if he breaks your heart like lovers do,  _ _ Just know that I'll be waiting here for you” _

  
  


Minho feels the presence of Jisung plopping his weight down next to him, they’re all out for a karaoke night, he himself having tapped out halfway through some ballad to go sit down due to his exhaustion. He glances to the younger, seeing him pant dramatically after finishing his version of my heart will go on, only to have their eyes meet and a small smile thrown his way. 

“I always told you I could sing it better than Celine did.” He hears Jisung pant out, a bead of sweat slowly dripping down his face onto his neck that Minho tries hard to avoid lingering on. “I never doubted you for a second,” he replies thumbing idly at a stray thread poking from the seam of his jeans, avoiding eye contact. “You’ve been avoiding me,” whispers Jisung, so quiet Minho almost missed it, he tenses at the words. It’s not like he meant to make it obvious he’d been avoiding the younger, but what was he supposed to say to him anymore? Telling him he’s still stupidly in love with him and that he should leave his boyfriend doesn’t seem like a viable option. He clears his throat awkwardly after a moment of tension between them, the rest of the group singing (shouting) a BigBang song in the background. “Ji please don’t do this to me,” he says almost pathetically, hearing the younger’s breathing hitch, concerned eyes peering at him. “I just miss you Min, you’re next to me right now and you look like yourself but it’s not you, you’re somebody else. What happened?” Jisung grips the sleeves of his jacket slightly, emphasising his desperation. Minho feels a slight annoyance brew in his stomach, gaze trailing to Hyunjin, Jisung’s eyes following.“Don’t make me say it out loud when we both already know, don’t be cruel,” Minho knows he sounds harsh when the younger was just concerned but he’s sick of this bull shit fake harmony between them when nothing is okay, at least not for him. Jisung looks surprised for a minute and then there’s another emotion wandering in his eyes that Minho can’t pin, possibly pity. Minho would pity himself if he were Jisung, bets he looks pathetic to everyone else, he’s the guy that’s still hung up on the ex that doesn’t love him anymore. “The way I feel with you and the way that I feel with Hyunjin cannot be compared, you know that. You should stop being cruel to yourself hyung.” The words stab his heart, consuming his brain. He figures Jisung doesn’t see anymore conversation left to have as he gets up and walks over to Hyunjin, kissing him briefly, a smile beaming on his face, Hyunjin’s looking slightly less enthusiastic but still present. They begin to sing a familiar song that Jisung used to play on their late night drives for food, Minho figures he probably does the same thing with Hyunjin now.

He’s lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, the room barely lit by the lamp in the corner. The conversation he had with Jisung is relentlessly replaying in his mind, why did he have to be so harsh. Why did he do that. He’d been doing so well at staying silent, so why now after 6 months did he decide to say something. He curses out loud, lighting a cigarette and walking onto his poor excuse of a balcony that over looks the quiet town. He watches cars as they drive past, making up life stories for the people driving them. It’s oddly beautiful, so many people exist around him who all have problems that make them feel that the world is ending, but here it is, still spinning, everyone is still carrying on with their lives blissfully unaware of each other’s struggles. It makes him happy to know he’s not the only one suffering, in a fucked up way.His mind drifts to Jisung, like it usually does when he has nothing else to think of, he thinks about what he doesn’t see, what he might be unaware of. He doesn’t see Hyunjin and Jisung when they’re not in front of anybody else, he does however see the stares casted towards Jeongin when Hyunjin thinks nobody is looking. It makes him sick, they all notice it, but none of them say anything because they want Jisung to be happy, because they know how much Minho fucked him up. They could be wrong though, it’s hard not to look at Jeongin when he gets excited, the sight is enough for anyone to feel instantly cured of all their problems. He takes the final puff of his cig before stubbing out and slouching back to his bed. 

*bzz* *bzz*  he feels the vibration of his phone before he hears it, picking it up quickly and answering because he never gets calls, especially not from Jisung’s boyfriend. 

“Hyunjin what’s up?” He asks as kindly as possible, it’s no lie that he’s not particularly fond of the other. He hears heavy, almost panicked breathing and some cursing from the other end of the line, an unsettling feeling rising in his stomach. “Shit, shit hyung I fucked up have you seen Jisung, is he with you?” Hyunjin rushed out sounding alarmingly worried, Minho’s fight or flight kicking in knowing he too has been in a similar situation with Jisung, and it’s never been good. “Erm no, no he’s not with me and I’ve not heard from him. Why what’ve you done?” He asks with apprehension, afraid to know the answer, but it can’t be that bad, it’s Hyunjin. “Fuck, god you’re gonna kill me. Well I just, I’m really drunk and it’s just. Shit. I kissed Jeongin and Sung saw. He just slammed the snacks down and ran and I can’t get hold of him, I’m really fucking worried.” Anger, that’s the only emotion Minho feels right now, anger. He doesn’t care to know anything more, doesn’t care to know if Jeongin kissed back or gave signals, he doesn’t need to. “You know what you’re a piece of shit and I hope after today you’re out of his life. I’m going to go look for him, if you don’t hear from me he’s okay.” Before Hyunjin could choke some half hearted apology Minho ends the call and goes to put on his shoes, his only thoughts now being of Jisung’s safety.

He’s been driving around the town for an hour searching for Jisung, his phone is dead and he hasn’t bothered to ask the others in case Jisung doesn’t want them knowing about what has happened. He’s been everywhere, from Jisung’s apartment, to the cafe, to the park and there’s no sign of him. Minho knows Jisung can handle himself, he knows he’s not an irrational and impulsive person who acts on temporary emotions but he can’t help but feel slightly alarmed, he’s been everywhere. Well there’s one place left and like a lightbulb has gone off in his mind Minho knows where Jisung will be, it might be a stretch but it’s the one place he used to find solace. He changes direction and starts driving possibly over the speed limit, his anger still very much present as he thinks about what Hyunjin has done. His heart breaks a little for Jisung, he finally seemed really truly content in a relationship, he’d moved on and met someone who made him happier than Minho did and now it’s all ruined. All 6 months gone in the blink of an eye. 

He begins to slow down as he nears his destination, engine rumbling and coming to a hault, from a distance he can make out a small figure, and he knows he’s hit the jack pot. His heart races as he steps out of his car and begins to walk closer to the figure, the chilly night air making his breath appear like smoke as he exhales deeply. There, sat on the bridge where they first met 6 years ago with a skateboard perched next to him was Jisung. Without saying a word he climbs up next to him, the feeling of climbing up the side bringing him nostalgia of their teenage days. 

“I figured I’d find you here,” he says startling Jisung who had been too absorbed in his own thoughts to notice Minho’s presence, his tear stained face turning towards him. “It’s funny because I knew. I think I figured it out maybe a month ago, I’d been seeing the amount of messages he’d been sending to Jeongin when he was lay next to me. I don’t think Jeongin understood his intentions but I’m so fucking angry at both of them.” He sees the way Jisung’s face reddens and fresh tears fall and he doesn’t know what to say to make it better, instead he wraps his arms around Jisung, hand carding through his hair. “He’s an idiot for taking you for granted. You’d think he would’ve learned from seeing me what losing you does to someone,” he whispers daringly into the air, the words holding so much meaning. Jisung stifles a slight laugh, tucking his head further into Minho’s neck. “You never lost me Min, you could never lose me.” He stiffens slightly, heart jumping, tears welling in his eyes, Jisung was too nice for his own good, too caring, too forgiving. But that’s what he loved about him. “You already know I’d sit here and wait for you for another lifetime if I had to.” There’s something bittersweet about the situation, a longing hangs in the air between them, unspoken words desperate to be said. “You don’t have to wait Min, my heart has been yours since the day we met on this bridge. It’s always been you. Even with all the fucked up shit, even with the hurting and the arguing, even with the sleepless nights screaming at each other, even with the break up, I’m still so in love with you. And it’s so fucked because we aren’t good for each other, not really. Not when we are both so broken.” It’s spoken bravely into the air, the atmosphere around them thickening. Instead of saying anything Minho just squeezes him tighter, a silent agreement seems to take place between them that nothing else needs to be said. There’s a lot of healing that needs to happen, Minho knows that. Maybe they’ll be together, maybe they won’t, maybe they’ll meet in their next lives and fall in love all over again. But for now as he sits with Jisung in his arms, on the bridge, two lost souls who found each other, Minho thinks he couldn’t be happier.

The end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic. I can’t believe it’s over, i put so much time into it. Honestly I didn’t really make this clear but Minho’s character is purely based off of myself, I used this fic to project my own thoughts and emotions because it’s actually very helpful. Let me know if you guys want another chapter fic :)!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thankyou for reading this! Please leave kudos and any comments :) I will try and update every week.


End file.
